And then we should leave HEAT WAVE 09 behind us. Thank God it has cooled down and I can return to sleeping in my bed and not on the floor downstairs in front of the window unit.

My first heat comment is a response to Iris’ blog from yesterday. http://blogs.kgon.com/irisharrison/

She mentions that she doesn’t remember the heat wave that set the record of 107 back in 1981. Oh, I do. I remember it very well. I was seven years old and we had a lovely little house with a freezing cold basement on Beemer Way in Oregon City. For some reason, my satan mother sent my sister and I outside to play on said record breaking- hottest ever recorded in Oregon- melt your face off – 107 degree day. Thanks Mom! I’m sure we were way too cool and safe to stay inside and play. I mean hell, we’d probably been cooped up in the house all week, safe from the heat, and you were just worried we had cabin fever.

I shared my gem of a memory with satan mom and my sister earlier in the week and they remember it as well. Hah! Childhood scars resurface, thanks to HEAT WAVE 09!

Second observation, there have been an inordinate number of automobiles broken down on the side of the freeways and roadways. I guess cars crap out alot more often when the air-conditioning is on high and the streets are 170 degrees.

Also, I have seen in increased amount of vehicles pulled over after having run out of gas. Blown tires I would have figured, but do cars burn more gas when it’s hot? Hmm.

And where are all the cops? After seeing scores of vehicles on the sides of roads all this week, I have yet to see a single cop anywhere. Maybe they are all patrolling the rivers? In cool air-conditioned donut shops? Just kidding, Jack. (Jack is my dad and a cop himself in the cool oasis of Bakersfield, California.)

Where, in the rule book of corporate America, does it state that once the temperature outside reaches above 70 degrees, the temperature inside the building must be dropped to zero degrees celcius or below? What sweaty man invented this standard? The women in my building are scarved, mittened and wooly winter coated up, icicles hanging from their nostrils, teeth chattering, bitching every five minutes about how cold it is in the building, to which the men respond that it’s not cold enough. An email battle with articles about correct office temperture and web statistics ensues, feelings are hurt, women bring in down comforters and snuggies, and it remains as cold as ever.

I kinda like it as I tend to sweat like a fat hairy man. At least I don’t have back hair.

And my last comment on the heat is that I would rather walk naked down I-5, on the hottest day of the year, barefoot, at 5pm, carrying a sign that says “I hurt small animals for fun” rather than attend another concert outdoors when it is 106 degrees. Well, I guess that’s a lie. I’d see Tom Petty anytime, anywhere, any temperature.

I don’t know if alot of you caught yesterday’s M & B,  many of you must have because that show is quite popluar in the mornings according to our ratings that just came out yesterday. Anyway, Mark was talking about how he went to the Polo Lounge in some fancy pants hotel in Bevery Hills or some crap, and ended up crapping in his shorts while trying to pass gas.

Those of you with faint hearts or an aversion to toilet humor should stop reading now.

I seriously laughed out loud all the way to work yesterday morning at the buffoonery that ensued on the show. It was the funniest M & B bit I’ve heard, possible ever. Really, who can’t relate to accidently sharting in their pants every now and then?? Besides my sister, who swears up and down she’s never once squirted a teeny tiny bit while slipping out a slient one. She’s totally lying. I know it’s happened.

I, on the other hand, seem to do it quite regularly and without much embarrassment, even once a few weeks ago while laying out in the sun in my white (lovely) bathing suit, after a night of long, hard drinking (which in reality means I had maybe 4 Coors Lights.) I quickly ran up to the bathroom to rinse out my suit before my kids or God forbid, my boyfriend noticed the, as Mark called it, “spackle,” in my suit.

My best story though took place more than a decade ago during my second marriage. I was home in bed with a terrible migraine. Like, near death, hospital visits, the works. What do you know, one little shart (ok, big) had me up and running around the house changing the bed linens and starting the wash, desperate to get rid of the evidence before my new groom returned home from work. Needless to say, he was flummoxed when he got home to find new sheets on the marital bed and laundry going in the washer. Before he left, I had been curled in the fetal position, whimpering in pain, not even bothering to brush my teeth much less change the bed and do laundry. Of course I lied and told him the migraine drugs made me and the bed too sweaty to sleep.

Sharting happens to the best of us, even famous celebs like Mark and Brian. Don’t be shy about it. Mark’s obviously not, as he shared it with the world on live morning radio. The best part was when his wife called in to yell at him because she had placed his shit-stained shorts into the washer with all her clothes. Too good.

I’m really not sure where to begin. I am not sure I can adequately describe the sheer horror of Crue Fest 2, two days ago at the Amphitheater at Clark County, but I am going to try.

Tuesday. It was 106 degrees on Tuesday. 107 in Vancouver, the hottest ever on record in the Couv. Yes, I am aware the the amp is north of the Couv, nonetheless, it was hotter than hell. There were quite a few nearly naked women running around and more guys without shirts on than with.

Combine the heat with your average Crue Fest audience and what you end up with is sheer bedlam. But let’s make this as short as possible. I stayed for the first three songs and then ran for my life. There were chairs being thrown (yes- I got hit in the leg, not kidding), there was a mass crushing of nearly naked fans blocking all the aisleways, cramming into VIP boxes, and running around as if the armageddon was upon us. I honestly think it might have been.

I want you to look at this picture and imagine the smell of 6000 fans in 100 degree heat who apparently forgot to wear any deoderant at all. (I actually carried mine with me in my purse just in case I needed to reapply mid-show.) Possibly they have never worn deoderant in the lives. And they possibly never shower. Ever. That’s what I want you to think about when you look at this.

Can you feel the heat? Can you smell the BO?! Oh, I could. Which is why I ran as fast as I could after I got my bootleg video, which you can easily view on the Video page of this website!

As I was running for my life, I ran into my good friend Keevin who is the manager at the amphitheater. He had a scary, far away look in his eyes. The kind of look that war veterans have after they witness a bloody battle; flying limbs and body parts. The kind that give them nightmares for the rest of their lives and leads them to a freeway offramp with a “Homeless Vet, God bless” sign in their hands. That kind of look.

I gave him a quick hug, and continued running for my life.

I have to say, the Crue sounded decent. Nikki Sixx was hot. Not the hundred degrees type hot, but the fearless rockstar-I’ve been dead three times- have amazing rockstar hair- and could screw any chick in the place type of hot. Mick Mars I believe, was being propped up on stage. Possibly there was a pole in his back or he was somehow connected to his mike stand. Maybe duct tape. That guy looks about four breaths away from death. He doesn’t really stand up straight or move around. He might even just be a prop, like a remote controlled human-looking device, the same kind you might see at Disneyland.  Couldn’t see Tommy Lee or his rumored kickstand.

To view the rest of the 5 pictures I was able to take, including immobile Mick Mars, in between dodging chairs, squirt guns (I got hit in the eye, pisses me off to get my eyelashes wet) and stinky half-naked men, please visit the photos page.

I hope and pray that none of the other shows we have this year take place during record breaking heat. Although it did bring back great memories of Tom Petty in the Gorge last August during our last heat wave. Long live rock and roll.

My friend Dylan sent me the link to a website that gives you the ability to play around with David Lee Roth’s screams and phrases from Running with the Devil.  Watch it, because it is addicting.  Pick a phrase in the box, and click to hear it.  Pretty funny.  Click here to go to the site.

Funny stuff.  My friend Sleepy John, who used to work overnights at KGON, sent me the link.  Click here and have a giggle.  Oh, and Ray Manzarek plays on the track!

This just made my day!

So I just got a copy of our updated contest rules from our legal depatment way the hell back in Pennsylvania, and I come across this little gem:

27. By entering a Station contest, entrants understand that Station staff may choose to comment on, mock, poke fun at, and/or mimic any entrant’s entry and/or performance. Entrants waive any right to make any claim against Station or any contest sponsors with respect to any comments – disparaging or otherwise – made regarding such entrant and/or his/her entry, entry materials, performance, voice, appearance, participation and/or any other information provided or disclosed to Station during the course of a contest.

OMG!!! That’s the best paragraph ever! You all know (well, the 4 of you who read this, Hi Mom!) how I like to mock people, etc! Oh Happy Day!!!!!

That’s alot of twos. Just like yesterday, if you are a KGON Facebook friend or Twitter follower, you have exclusive access to today’s contest. Enter to win two pairs of tickets to Crue Fest 2 tonight at the Amphitheater at Clark County!

Just like yesterday, since I in a semi-good mood, I am sharing this exclusive link to enter to win with you people because something tells me, some are not so quick to catch on to this Twitter thingy and less quick to embrace it.

That’s where I come in. Offering exclusive contests to our friends and followers makes even more people like us, friend us, follow us, and hopefully, listen to us! So tune your damn radios to 92.3 KGON and catch the vibe!

Oh yeah, here’s the link:
 http://www.kgon.com/pages/4889390.php. Random drawing at 2pm. Winner must pick up their tickets, yes, two pairs, here at the KGON studios today before 5:30pm.

Wired Magazine has the list on their website.

My favorite: # 56 When Spam was just a meat product – or even a Monty Python sketch. I think we’re already there on that one.

Here’s the link

More news is surfacing on The Beatles: “Rock Band” due in Stores September 9th! The package will be available for Xbox 360, Playstation 3 and the Nentindo Wii. The game comes with 45 remastered tracks, and Abbey Road will become available for download at the same time.

Confirmed songs for The Beatles: Rock Band:
“Twist And Shout” / Cavern Club
“Do You Want To Know A Secret” / Cavern Club
“Can’t Buy Me Love” / Ed Sullivan Theater
“I Wanna Be Your Man” / Ed Sullivan Theater
“Eight Days A Week” / Shea Stadium
“Paperback Writer” / Budokan
“And Your Bird Can Sing” / Budokan
“Yellow Submarine” / Abbey Road Dreamscape
“Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” / Abbey Road Dreamscape
“With a Little Help from My Friends” / Abbey Road Dreamscape
“Within You Without You” / Tomorrow Never Knows / Abbey Road Dreamscape
“Revolution” / Abbey Road Dreamscape
“Birthday” / Abbey Road Dreamscape
“Dig A Pony” / Rooftop Concert
“I’ve Got A Feeling” / Rooftop Concert
“I Saw Her Standing There”
“I Want To Hold Your Hand”
“I Feel Fine”
“Taxman”
“Day Tripper”
“Back In The USSR”
“I Am The Walrus”
“Octopus’s Garden”
“Here Comes The Sun”
“Get Back”

I’ve never played Rock Band but this looks pretty exciting. Can’t wait to see the entire list. The game also allows for three-part harmony (3 mics) and playing on the Beatles’ signature instruments: Rickenbacker and Gretsch guitars ,a Höfner bass, and Ludwig drums.

And, if that isn’t enough, the original Beatles catalog, which has been digitally re-mastered for the first time, has it’s worldwide CD release on Wednesday, September 9, 2009 (9-9-09), the same date as the release of the widely anticipated “The Beatles: Rock Band” video game.
I’ve been saving my money…..

You’ve heard of the Darwin Awards, right? The dumbest people in the world win a Darwin Award for doing something really, really dumb. Hours and hours of entertainment. See for yourself at darwinawards.com.

I have my own nominee for you. So this guy visits the KGON tent at the Car Toys tent sale last weekend and enters to win an HD Radio. He writes his name, address and phone number on a little enter to win slip and what do you know? He wins the HD Radio!

This fine man proceeds to stop by the station bright and early Monday morning to claim his prize and in the process, decides to steal an iPhone from the receptionist at the front desk right after she gives him his brand spankin new HD Radio.

Seriously?

Hey Moron, did you forget you gave us your address and phone number? The correct phone number I might add, because we called you to tell you that you won the radio!

Hey Stupid, did you happen to notice the video cameras all over the reception area and parking lot? Did you know that right after you left, we gave this video evidence to the Portland Police Department and all the info you gave us on your enter to win slip?

Have the police visited you yet, you big dumbass? Please return the iPhone to our receptionist, you Darwin Award winning idiot! And please refrain from EVER visiting KGON or entering any of our contests. EVER AGAIN.