The countdown has begun. 5.5 hours til showtime. Frosty blue mountains- here comes mama!

People with asthma should not sing karaoke. Especially people with severe asthma and who haven’t used their medication in three weeks because it costs 30 effing dollars. The point is, I love to sing and I USED to be great. And even now that I know I suffer severe asthma and can barely make it up a flight of stairs, I still karaoke. Well, not quite karaoke, more like screaming and screeching in a very hoarse voice and quite off-pitch, which rarely happens to a person of my PAST immense talent. I should actually be banned from all karaoke bars except my awful friends and family enjoy watching me make a complete ass of myself. So I blame them and the sweet deliciousness.

I can’t even do my go to songs anymore- White Rabbit, Baby Got Back, Don’t Stop Believin. I can’t do them. My voice is GONE. Completely. Stress related mostly, but also the severe asthma thingy. Although the singing was awful, the company was great and a fun time was had at Lumpee’s Bar in Dundee last night. I also hear there was a shooting in Dundee last night but I have not confirmed that. Just lettin you all know it wasn’t me. Sold my .380 so I’m gunless! So sad!

I did do an Aerosmith song as I like to remain true to my station, however, I can’t post the video yet until I edit out the realllly bad parts. Even Iris was laughing when she saw it today. As soon as I get it edited, you’ll get to see me in all my screechy asthma glory as I butcher Aerosmith. Sorry Aerosmith. And sorry I called you creepy on Idol, Steven. Please forgive that and my rendition. Trust that I once was much better. Story of my life I guess.

This one just made me cry. And throw up. That’s the power of music I guess.

Everyone knows this one, or at least the feeling. Sunday Morning Coming Down. I remember asking my mom what a “cleanest dirty shirt” was. I think Iris posted this one too. Oh man. Too good. Amy out!

I am SO sorry but I must post this. I will come clean with you all right now- the lying sister and I are HUGE fans of John Denver! Wait- don’t go yet! This is him doing a live vesion of Kris Kristofferson’s Casey’s Last Ride in 1973, like 4 years after the liar was born and one year before my ten pound ass popped out. Sorry Mom.

Just bear with me- his version of all of them I’ve ever heard is still my favorite. Love the man. Know every word to every song, and if I had an actual record player that WORKED, I’d listen to him all the time, just to torture my kids and guests. Amazing version. Please trust me. Yes, I’m a known liar but please, just feel me on this one. RIP JD. RIP, my friend. Last one, I promise. But I’m probably lying.

What my lying sister and I have asked ourselves our whole lives. Why Me Lord? Seriously, what did we ever do? But in more of a sarcastic rhetorical question kind of tone, not about pleasures and kindness and love, much more the opposite. Not so much. And I believe that she and I both have already surrendered our souls at one time or another and I don’t believe it was to Hey-Zoos, so skip that part too.

My lying sister and I have been fans of Kris Kristofferson since we were little beaten children. Love love love every one of his songs. Today is his birthday so we should celebrate with some Kris videos from Youtube! Saw him in concert at the Schnitz a couple years ago with Merle Haggard. Awesome. Saw him way back in high school with the Highwaymen, Willie and Waylon and Hank Williams Jr I think? So good! Amazing songwriter, helicopter pilot, movies star. Damn! Not sure how old he’s turning but I’d hit that! And seriously, what an Amy- appropriate song, Help Me Make it Through the Night. Not sure who that bitch is that’s singing with him but I don’t like the way he’s looking at her at all. Love me some Kris! Gorgeous song.

www.facebook.com/InsiderAmy

Okay, I admit it.  My guilty pleasure is watching American Idol and dishing with friends at work and on the phone the day following the broadcast.  It’s harmless.  I don’t hurt anyone.  Some of the kids are very talented, and others need to take a hike, but all it really is….is a TALENT SHOW.  We’ve had these for years.  It was not a big new idea when it first hit the airwaves, it was, like most things, a reworking of an old idea.  Like the way Hollywood makes new movies out of either comic books, or old TV shows. 

In school I remember talent shows.  They were sometimes remarkable to us, like when the quiet nerd could actually kick ass and did a karate demonstration.  Or the brother and sister who wrote and sang cool folksy songs and could play guitars.  Or my friend who twirled fire baton.  There was always a fun surprise and it was a reason to have assembly instead of another class.  That was always a welcomed interruption.

Also TV has had talent shows for years.  The one I remember the most was “Star Search” with Ed McMahon.  My friend Gene Houck was on the show and won!  Nothing wrong with a talent competition.  Some of the winners will thrive like Carrie Underwood, and some will fade into the “where are they now” category in the years ahead. 

So, here comes American Idol auditions to Portland, Oregon for the first time ever.  Okay, how many “Portlandia” types will show up and be goofy for the cameras?  How many will flip off the camera after a really rediculous and awful audition?  How many traffic hang ups will result because of poor planning on the date of this thing?  Yes, it’s the same weekend as the big Waterfront Blues Festival, and even though it’s across the river, it’s always a nasty mess trying to get anywhere on that Friday before the holiday.  Here’s the press release we got here at the station this morning:

American Idol Auditions Come to Portland for the First Time at the Rose Garden Jul 2

Pre-registration Jun 30 – Jul 1

Who:                Open call audition for the eleventh season of AMERICAN IDOL

 When:              Thu – Sat, Jun 30 – Jul 2 ● Varies

Where:             Rose Quarter – Rose Garden

What:               PRE-REGISTRATION

(Thursday, June 30 & Friday, July 1)

 - Wristbands will be distributed to auditioners during pre-registration (tables open Thursday and remain open until Saturday morning).  Once auditioners obtain their wristbands, they will be asked to return to the stadium early morning Saturday, July 2 to line up for their audition.

 - Available press coverage includes: B-roll, photos, interviews with auditioners, their friends/family members and interviews/photos with an available AMERICAN IDOL producer (pending availability).

 - Media check-in for pre-registration will begin at 6:00 AM on both Thurs/Fri. Please note that these times are subject to change.

 AUDITIONS

(Saturday, July 2)

***NO MEDIA IS PERMITTED INSIDE THE VENUE DURING AUDITIONS***

So they want all the media until they get to the actual auditions and that’s what we get to see in the first part of the show.  When you have the really good with the really bad.  I just want someone really great to come out of Portland and win.  Hey, why not?  Two 16 year old country kids got to the finals last time.  I mean REALLY????  This time we need a rocker from Portland. 

Can you sing?  Can you sell it on stage?  Then show up and do your city proud!

Dear April and T,

So I’m confused. I believe I sent both of you a text message last night saying “disregard anything I send after this text.” (Yes, I was having one of my “bad” nights and tend to be a tad dramatic, therefore texts sent on those nights should be disregarded. Are we clear?)

So how is it that we seem to have all decided to do karaoke on Thursday night in Dundee? This obviously happened after I said disregard all further text messages and you ladies know the rules: Don’t let Amy drink too much, don’t let Amy get mean, and under NO circumstances, allow her to Karaoke! You know this (you know they are all impossible)! Despite my always wanting to karaoke after the second beer, that’s what you guys are for! To save me from myself! I am RETIRED! Thanks to asthma, I can no longer sing so stop encouraging it and enabling me when I beg! Should we get a leash? Should I hire a babysitter for myself? Come on, ladies!

Shay- you’re on!

Thank you for minding my wishes.

Best,
Amy, Retired, USAF and Karaoke Bars
www.facebook.com/InsiderAmy

PS- American Idol auditions are in Portland July 2nd- do you think I could pass for 15-28? Maybe if I get a little more botox?

Baby Ain't Got Back anymore.

You Know that I'm No Good!

Everyone in the music business is tweeting or posting something about the passing of Clarence Clemons and while I only met the man in person…face to face…one time, I did see him on stage with the E Street Band many many times.  When I heard about his stroke the week before, I thought that he would pull out of it.  I honestly did. 

He was bigger than life, and as Bruce used to say when introducing him on stage “It’s the Master of the Universe,” “Socrates of the Saxophone,” “King of the World,” “The Big Kahuna,” “Prince of the City” and the “Duke of Paducah.”  Just one of those people who you think will never leave too early.  I know the age of people isn’t really relevant in these things, but he left us too early. 

The E Street Band were going to go out on tour in the Fall, and now, who knows?  I can’t even imagine who they would replace Clarence with.  Danny Federici passed in 2008 and was replaced, but Clarence was so hugely visible and nobody played with the power of the Big Man.

I didn’t hear the news via any electronic media because it was a weekend and we had things to do around the house.  I picked up the Sunday paper and was enjoying a cup of coffee when I read the story.  It just hit me in the gut.  Another one of those moments where you realize things have changed and you’re not ready.  I put on “Born to Run” and listened while doing things around the house with tears pouring down my cheeks.  I don’t like this kind of change.

But of course the music and memories live on.  Thank God for that. 

When people ask me what is the best concert I ever went to it’s an easy answer.  Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band at the Portland Paramount in 1975.  It was after the “I have seen the future of Rock and Roll” comment and after Springsteen had appeared on the cover of Newsweek and Time simultaneously.  Four friends drove to Portland from Eugene to see the show and it changed our lives forever.  No show has even come close to how I felt that night.  I have a personal “Top 10″ list of shows, but that show is so far above the rest because it was deeply moving, and took me to a place that no concert before or after ever did. 

So, rest well dear Clarence.  The world is missing you big time big man!