Shannon said too much Simon and Garfunkel (suck it, Shan!) so here’s one of my faves from Willie Nelson, whom I shall be enjoying at Edgefield tonight with T! Can’t wait! Like my 5th time seeing him. Always a great show and he always does such a great mix of songs, including an amazing version of Crazy, made famous by the lovely and tragic Patsy Cline. Oh Golly, is it five o’clock yet?!

Angels Flying Too Close To The Ground

If you would not have fallen
Then I would not have found you
Angel flying too close to the ground

And I knew someday that you would fly away
For love’s the greatest healer to be found

So leave me if you need to
I will still remember
Angel flying too close to the ground

It’s a two-fer which I was beginning to think meant I should buy two pairs of shoes today instead of one. When times get tough, the tough take lots of meds and buy shoes!

Did anyone donate blood yet? It’s our 2nd Annual KGON Red Cross All Rockers Bleed Blood Drive and last year went amazingly well. I expect this year to be better so get out there and donate. Unless you use dirty needles for IV drugs or you may have mad cow disease, which my whole family might. (See yesterday’s post.)

Which bring me to the joke of the day:

Two cows were standing in a field in England and one says to the other, “Have you heard anything about this mad cow thing everyone’s talking about?”

The other cow looks at him and says, “Why are you asking me, I’m a helicopter.”

I think I might be the only person that laughs my ass off at that joke. Those who don’t must just be dummies.

1. Such lovely weather, how can one possibly complain about it being Monday? I still can. Mondays BLOW!

2. Saw AC/DDC Saturday night at Stars Cabaret in Salem and then went to the lake on Sunday. On both occasions, I found myself extremely jealous of women with large boobies. It’s almost become an unhealthy obsession because I SO prefer natural large breasts to fake, something which will never be natural for me unless I gain 100 pounds. As I try not to pass this obsession on to my teenager,  I was trying on hot dresses to wear Saturday and I call her in for advice. She looks at the first choice and says, Gorgeous Mom! But then frowns and asks if I’m wearing a bra, which I obviously am not as I look as flat as my 11 year old son. Can’t with this dress, I counter. Well, let’s try it, she says. Hmmm. We try. Bra shows everywhere, despite Zoe pulling and pushing here and there. Final frown. Nope, Mom, try on the second choice and call me when you’re ready. Nice. My jealousy cup runneth over, like the drummer from AC/DDC.

Jealous of boobies.

3. Willie Nelson Friday! Yay! My 5th time seeing him. Sunshine and Edgefield. Sooooo happy! T- don’t you dare stand me up. I will go alone!

4. Still mourning the loss of Amy Winehouse. “We only said goodbye with words/ I cried a thousand times/ you go back to her and I go back to black.”

5. Next Friday is Rob Zombie and Slayer. Can’t wait! Thursday the 11th is Motley Crue! If you watch the Tommy Lee video we have posted a few times, you should be picking up on the subliminal message I am sending you and immediately enter to win tickets on the contest page. But only if you weigh less than 175lbs and are less than 6′2″. Are we clear?

6. Time to donate blood for our 2nd Annual Red Cross “All Rockers Bleed” blood drive! Donate or try to donate (I can’t as it’s possible I have Mad Cow Disease  from living in England during the 90’s. Should I gain 50 pounds and show any signs of strange behavior, well, stranger than usual, I definitely have it but I won’t know for another 30 years or so) at any of the three donation centers in Portland, Vancouver, or Salem and you can get yourself a one of a kind KGON commemorative tshirt, concert tickets, fair tickets and more! Details on the events page!

Rest in peace Amy Winehouse. News reports suggest the singer died of a drug overdose at the age of 27, joining the likes of Janis, Jimi, Jim, Brian, Curt and more. Sad. Talented girl, yet very troubled. I will still karaoke her songs, just not the Rehab song. Too bad she didn’t take that song seriously. May she find peace wherever she is now.

1. I’m drinking water all day so that I may pre-hydrate myself for weekend binge. 89 on Sunday? I’m not holding my breath but damn I would get a great tan!

2. I paid back the nice Chevron lady from last week, you know, the one who just let me slide on the $1.60 I was short instead of politely suggesting that maybe I put back one of the Red Bulls. Yay me. I stick to my word.

3. No water polo, no swim, no nothing this weekend! Just bbq and sunbathing and hoping Concert Dave can fix my lawn mower and light fixture in my closet.

4. I don’t know if I am suddenly a botanical genius, grew a green thumb or just bought magic tomato plants. Planted two cherry tomato plants in the same big half barrel and it’s almost up to Jack and the Beanstalk proportions. It’s taking over the whole deck! Of course, it could also be that my son, who is in charge of watering said plants could be using 2 to 5 times more Miracle Grow than he should be. That’s probably the most obvious reason. He the kind of sharp kid that walks out to the curb to bring in the garbage cans, bless his heart, before the garbage truck has come by. Really? Didn’t it seem rather heavy instead of light and empty of stinky garbage? Anyway, tomato plants are awesome, as is the Clematis. Posting these for Iris so she can enjoy my garden from her home where she better be resting comfortably!

Magic!

Glorious

5. Does anybody want to go to Stars Cabaret in Salem with me Saturday night to see AC/DDC cover band? I have no problem rolling alone, I usually do, just throwing it out there. They rock for an AC/DC cover group. Mommy likey.

AC/DDC

6. I can’t wait for the Motley Crue show on August 11th! Shout at the Devil was my first cassette and I still love it. Yes, I can be very buttrock hairband when I want to be. And I can’t wait to see Tommy Lee on the roller coaster drum set.

7. What’s more embarrassing: admitting John Denver is my all time favorite (RIP JD) or admitting that I love the Counting Crows and are going to see them at Maryhill Winery in September? I wore my John Denver shirt to work and almost got laughed out of the office. Trust me people, I will brawl and I will wear that shirt with pride! So SHUT IT!

8. It’s a Block Party Weekend and you all know I want it to start with a Tom Petty block at 5pm after the 5 O’Clock Funny. I love you, Tom. I truly do.

9. Is 11am too early to begin the weekend binge? Kidding- you all know I quit drinking.

Yummy

10. Lastly, the girl who works for me, Alicia, who rocks most of the time, got engaged this week! Yay! Yay, you all say, along with the congrats, etc. I am happy for her, but aren’t I a shining example of what NOT TO DO?? I bought her lunch, sent her flowers, got her 3 Congrats balloons and 1 Good Luck You’re Going to Effing Need it balloon. What I really wanted to do is slap some sense in to her. Obviously I am still miserably failing the “be less bitter” goal. Hey, in the brilliant words of a one before cracked-out Whitney Houston, “Where Do Broken Hearts Go?” No really, where do they go? Kidding, Alicia. Very happy for you and Bret. Bret, you hurt her, I’ll kill you. Hug. Happy Friday.

But this one is more than welcome to rehab at my house. As long as it takes. I am very good at helping along the rehab process, so I’ve been told. Considering my past experiences, I’m inclined to agree.

Eric, have your people call my people. I’ll shoot you my address. Stay a while. Seriously, could he be any hotter? Um, no. PS- Love Grey’s!

Please?! Mommy need! NEED!

Happy it’s a Two-fer. Can’t decide whom I loathe more: Mother Nature for her lack of Pacific Northwest Sunshine. Go ahead and ruin the crops and livelihoods of those in the mid-west with sweltering, record breaking heat while we in Portland revert back to our winter wardrobes. Thanks a bunch. Of course, if it were 100 degrees here, I’m sure I’d be bitching about that as well.

Or do I loathe the little boy who “broke up” with my baby girl on her 13th birthday. Through a phone call. A phone call had with Zoe’s brother, who had sweetly called said little bastard breaker-upper on Zoe’s bday to remind him that maybe he ought to call her and wish her a happy birthday. To which little  bastard told my son that he had officially broken up with her but “don’t tell her til tomorrow.” Better than a text message break up, right? If I get my hands on you, kid…you’ll rue the day. Considering I can’t remember your name and normally don’t beat up little bastard boys, you probably don’t need to worry about it.

Zoe, my angel, trust me child- men are jerks and they start out as little boy jerks. The good ones are few and far between. I’d love to help you along this path of love, alas every choice in man/boy I’ve made could go down in the world record books as Worst Choice Ever. Aside from your father of course, at least he gave me you and your brother. Other than that, I’ll try very hard not to pass my bitterness on to you and promise to support you through each bastard boy break up until I die. Love your face. Mom.

Best text of the weekend from T:

T: “don’t hate me but didn’t have class I bottle so how to get chris watkins.”

Me: “I have no idea what you just said.”

Steve Miller rocked it. Great pictures will be up soon and he had a little boy, little I guess but probably 13-ish, play guitar with him for the last half and he was amazing.

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Best news headlines of the day thus far:

“Bald Eagle saved by Mouth to Beak CPR.” Wow. I don’t even have a snappy line for that one.

“Rain Record Set For July 17th.” Almost an inch fell yesterday. Really? Hey Mother Nature, it’s JULY, throw us a bone, would ya? Not the sweltering heat melting the rest of the nation, but would an 80 degree day here and there kill you? Thanks a lot, not only did you give me small boobs but now I get no summer, too. You know what Mother Nature, sometime you just suck.

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Iris is home and recovering nicely. Marty Party is taking great care of her and I know all three of you readers wish her the best. Love you, I.