Dear Deputy Sanchez, 

Thank you so much for returning my call today. As you requested, here is the full, and somewhat long-winded, story about the theft I just reported. 

On Friday, June 11^th, I attended the Tom Petty concert at the Gorge Amphitheater. I returned to my tent in the Gorge campground around 11:30pm Friday night to find the following items missing and presumed stolen: 

• One black and white striped large bag full of very cute summer clothes.
• One green and pink brocade makeup and toiletries bag, the cheap stuff, it wasn’t even Mac!
• One Verizon cell phone, piece of crap anyway. Keep it.
• One T-Mobile cell phone- can provide serial number.
• One black iPod 4GB- can provide serial number.
• $150 cash- tucked inside the makeup case, should have been locked up in my purse in the truck, I know.
• One pair of black and white men’s Nike tennis shoes, size 11.
• One fancy Coleman lantern.

We obviously should not have had the electronics or cash in the tent and anyone that stupid deserves to get robbed. You may be surprised to hear that the thing I want back the most is my bag full of clothes. Seriously, what is this thief going to do with a bunch of girls clothing? Sell it? And who would even buy used underwear?

And could there be anything worse than having to wear the same underwear and clothing for three days of camping and concerts because some jerk stole your suitcase? The humanity!

Both my tent and my friend’s tent had been rifled through. In my tent, one bag had been dumped out and only the good stuff stolen, phones & iPod, but my entire bag and makeup case were gone. In the other tent, one backpack had been dumped out but nothing was missing, the other bag remained completely untouched, wallet, keys, phone, cash, ipod, etc, undisturbed.

The following morning, we reported the theft to campground security, who instructed us to check back throughout the weekend to see if anything had been turned in. Nothing was ever turned in and we never heard another word from campground personnel. Jerks. We also found a pile of clothes and other such items dumped right outside our tent, presumably someone else’s stolen items, which we turned in to security. We were also informed that numerous other people had also been robbed that night. Awesome.

On July 15th, after hearing on the local news about two different men who had just been arrested for theft,  I called the Portland Police. I admit I was rather excited at the idea I might get to see my stuff again! The PPD told me to file a police report in the county where the theft had occurred. With a case number, I can now hopefully view the recovered items and see if I can locate my beloved, adorable summer clothing. And maybe my super-expensive Oil of Olay face cream, because no self-respecting woman wants wrinkles.

Alas, as I work for a radio station (I’m totally bragging), I can’t avoid the venue any longer and must return to the area on Sunday, August 8^th for the Van Morrison concert (I’m bragging again). I certainly won’t be camping overnight as the area is obviously rife with hooligans and not safe for females.

Please feel free to contact me at either of the numbers below should you have any questions. Email is fine as well; it comes directly to my Blackberry. Seeing as I suffer from severe insomnia, you can reach me 24 hours a day. I’m not kidding.

Thank you so much for your time.

PS- Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers remain my favorite band ever, although the Saturday night show wasn’t nearly as fun as I was in deep mourning, not to mention I had been wearing the same underwear for two full days at that point. Did I mention that it was 90 degrees that weekend?

Best,
Amy

Set list from a few of the shows they have already done. Next Saturday is going to be huge! I can’t wait!

Looks like that Rolling Stones are retiring article was a rumor afterall. Thank the sweet lord. I want to see them at least two more times. Even if they are all 80 years old and propped up with puppet strings and reek of embalming fluid, I would still go.

My review went just super last Friday, thank you for asking. I even got a lesson from Mr. Burns on how to answer every future review question using five words or less. I’m going to need to work on that one, but luckily every email communication I have with Mr. Burns is a lesson in itself. He is easily the most monosyllabic person I have ever met. His answers or comments to my email questions are often “yes” or “fine” or “ha” on the rare occasion he actually finds something I’ve said amusing. Emphasis on rare. I do love me some Mr. Burns!

Lastly, some winner just came in to pick up tickets and he was totally hot! No mullet, full sleeves on his shirt and everything! So I totally go out of my way to say hi and congrats on winning, to which he replied, “Thanks. My wife and I are really looking forward to the show.” Figures he’s married. DAMMIT!

Let’s hope this is a vicious rumor meant to make me angry and sad. I better not tell my mother, she might have a breakdown.

According to AOL.com, Reports Suggest the Rolling Stones Will Retire After World Tour in 2012

Reports circulating in the UK press suggest the inevitable might actually finally become reality — the Rolling Stones may be about to retire.

UK newspaper the Sun reports that the band — who were formed in 1962 and are soon to celebrate their 50th anniversary — are set to hang up their weather-worn boots after a world tour, which is set to kick off in 2011.

That sound you hear is me quietly weeping in my office.

Every year, all full-time employees here at work must participate in a self-evaluation and formal review process with their managers. They actually don’t bother me at all. I love getting feedback, good or bad, and I certainly love giving it, just ask H who works for me and had her review with me on Wednesday.

Mine is today with my two managers, Mr. Burns and Jeff Sacramento, the PD of my sports station. So who knows, this could be my last blog ever!

Here’s a quick email exchange from earlier this week:
Me: Attached is my self review. See you Friday!
Mr. Burns: Thanks Amy. You just won the award for “most words and pages in a self-evaluation”. There will be a trophy presentation to come…
Me: OMG I knew you would call me out!!!! I even edited it and made it shorter! I wish I could have seen your face when you opened it!!!!! I actually highlighted which passages I knew you would skim over, which was all of them!!!! Classic me. Sorry- I’m wordy. I will try to be more Hemingway and less King.
Mr. Burns: No worries, it will make a great 4 hours of reading before bed tonight.

Not kidding. That’s verbatim.

And just in case you were curious, I did flavor my eval with a little Amy humor so that Mr. Burns wasn’t bored during his bedtime reading.

Excerpt from the “name your three biggest fumbles or setbacks in the last 12 months” question:
“…This is the worst professional mistake I have made since I accidently shipped 50 C-130P fuel cells to Indiana instead of to forward operating station, Aviano Air Base in Italy during the American Forces bombing campaign of Bosnia in 1999 (I was stationed at Mildenhall RAF). True story.”

I hope I’m still employed at 4pm! Wish me luck….

So my friend Brooke (not pictured) sent me a link to this youtube video forever ago and I just came across is while cleaning out my email inbox which is currently over capacity at 614 items not including my folders. I love the video but never posted it because it’s full of all of my favorite cuss words. I thought I might just post it anyway and put a little *Warning- full of cuss  words- viewer discretion advised. I never did. I must have been scared. But now I’ve decided that it’s just too good to pass up, and to save myself any trouble from “the man,” here is a link to the video rather than the actual video itself. Tell me this doesn’t remind you of people you know. And that you’re laughing your ass off.

*WARNING- Full of Amy’s favorite cuss words, A LOT of them-Viewer Discretion Advised!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q57aNsKQNaE

I’m so glad Iris blogged about “The Bleep My Dad Says.” I had heard about it starting on twitter, but I didn’t know there was a book and a TV show coming out it. But what I like the best is that Iris got a little cussy, using words like ass and shit. Makes perfect sense what she writes. And I did go and check out her link to see what all the hilarity was about.

*WARNING- This site contains an active volcano of spewing swear words- we’re talkin swearing of  Amy proportion. Read at your own risk.

This 29 year-old kid lives with his old-ass old man and puts all the funny things he says on the internet via twitter for everyone to enjoy, stuff like, “Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows…Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?” and my personal favorite, “You seen my cell phone?…What’s it look like? Like two horses f*%king. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone.” I’m still laughing. Thank you, Iris.

But my all-time tweeting favorite is, and I’ve said this before, many a time, Notkennyrogers. I check it weekly. It’s so funny, it made me crack a smile at 10:30pm last Wednesday night as I was standing in the lobby of the Rose Garden Arena waiting for my daughter and her three screaming friends to emerge from their seats at the Justin Bieber concert. Making me smile at that point, after that particular day, and that particular show, with NO ALCOHOL in my system, was a feat of EPIC proportion. Who’s Justin Bieber you ask? You don’t want to know. Please trust me….you don’t want to know.

You do want to know Notkennyrogers. Same warning applies. These two tweeters…twitter-ers…twats? (Sorry- too easy.) prove that there’s more on twitter than people hocking cheap jewelry and pontificating about what’s wrong in the world. And obviously KGON tweets some good stuff so you certainly ought to sign up and see what it’s all about.

Yeah, Yeah…I don’t want to hear about it. I know I’ve been lazy. I was actually being smart for once and considering my career. When I try to blog for a week straight and every time I am set to hit “post,” my heart skips a beat and I wonder how many minutes will pass until I am reprimanded by “the man,” I decided to stop and think about the possible repercussions. When that starts to happen daily, that scary pit in your stomach when you know you shouldn’t write something on a public company blog but you’re going to anyway regardless of how much trouble you get in to (think Tri-Met drivers) and you actually follow your gut instinct for once and DON”T post it, I believe that might be called “maturing.” And that folks, is where I have been.

Steve Miller was great. More on that later.

I dreamed of Tom Petty the other night. And I dreamed of finding the db’s who stole my stuff at the show June 11th. Nope, still not over that in case you were wondering. You will rue the day, thieves. And some friend of KGON on facebook just posted a status update, “…is a-skeerd of Tom Petty’s face.” I don’t know you, ma’am, and I use that term very loosely, but I will bite your chin off if you ever disrespect TP again. You asshat. Good thing I was once again able to show such maturity and not reply rudely to her post and some 20 or so comments stealthily disguised as KGON. Speaking of my dearly beloved, I positively LOVE 6 or so songs on the new Mojo cd. Ambivalent about the others.

Portland to Vancouver is the worst commute on the planet, any time of the day, and why anyone would put themselves through that torture is beyond me.

I re-read Cormac McCarthy’s The Road and No Country for Old Men. Outstanding literature. Truly must reads. And you know what? The movies really ain’t bad either. I have a small hard-on for Javier Bardem, or Anton Chigurh. Loved, DOUBLE LOVED The Road. Read them! Rent them if you’re more in to not advancing your vocabulary and intellect. If you don’t do one or the other, I’m afraid you suck. Sorry for you.

Also re-read Go Ask Alice, author anonymous. Read it in junior high school. Still outstanding. Actually purchased it for my daughter as some light summer reading. Not so much. I might wait a year or two until she’s mature enough to read such subject matter.

Can’t wait to see the Nuge in August! Can’t wait to see John Mellencamp at Edgefield. Thinking about going to see Van Morrison at The Gorge the day after the Scorpions concert in August, but I am angry at the Gorge right now. Angry for the Gorge being a hotbed of thievery. And anger. Excited for Scorps. Trying to decide what to wear.

Decided that while I am a fantastic karaoke-er most of the time, I should never attempt to sing while stumbling drunk, covering one eye trying to read the lyrics on the big-screen, after laying out in the sun for 6 hours while drinking more than a case of sweet, delicious Coors Light, at an empty Tualatin bar. Thanks be to the Baby Hey-zeus that the bar was empty. And that I woke up alone.

That’s all for now.

Dear Mother,

I know you are excited about your date with Iris tonight which is why I am writing this quick note. I just wanted to remind you that she is still recovering from surgery. She has had one hell of a year, one hell of a three years actually, so I will be holding you personally responsible should anything happen to Iris tonight.

I would like you to protect her at all times as if you are a mama grizzly bear and she is a cub and there are horrible poachers hiding nearby just waiting to get their guns on your baby cub. If people try and talk to her, you are to swiftly shoo them away, change the subject or move your body until you are standing in between her and the talker. If that person persists, you are to begin kicking them in the shins until they get the hint.

You need to be hyper-aware of your surroundings at all times, as if you are backstage at a meet and greet trying to keep the drunk people away from the star while keeping a close eye on the woman who promised to grab the star’s crotch during the picture taking while keeping everyone else in line while drinking your own beer, that kind of hyper-aware. If at any point you feel as if you need back-up, you are to call me immediately. The children can walk home from water polo and cook themselves dinner while I come and rescue Iris from the hordes of well-wishers and hangers-on. I’m not kidding, Mom. Her recovery is in your hands.

You are to feed her, get her to the show and then get her safely home in a timely manner. She does not drink (I don’t really know why you’re even hanging out with her) so do not offer unless she specifically asks. Accompany her to the bathroom should she need to go because rest assured, someone will recognize her and try and speak to her, much like I did at the Tom Petty concert four years ago when we were peeing next to each other and I recognized her voice. No, this was not the time she caught me peeing in the boys bathroom because the ladies room line was too long. Constant vigilance, Mother! If she seems to tire, you need to take her home immediately and tuck her into bed. Remember, mama grizzly bear, baby cub, poachers nearby.

Your duty tonight is clear. You had better call me when she is home safe so that I may rest peacefully. You are required to give me updates about how the evening is going via text message, I expect a minimum of three. Oh, and please speak to her about the awesomeness of texting and how she should learn, but don’t harrass her about it, just gentle notions about how you love to text and how it’s the only way you really communicate lately.

Ok, so have fun and protect her from the public. I would like to say that you have my full confidence but after the time you let the 8-year-old Zed drive your Lexus around the parking lot of your apartments because “he loves to drive,” you are still on probation. She needs to heal so you had better be on your best behavior young lady.

Best,
Your Loving Daughter, Amy
_________________________________________________

That being said, I would like to add to my List of Things I Learned at Tom Petty.

12. My mother truly does rock. She went to both Tom Petty shows by herself (the way I usually like to live, travel and go to shows) and enjoyed herself, rocked out, found her way back to her hotel in Ellensburg both nights all by herself (I think, and if not, way to go, MOM!) despite having a flat tire the first night. It is actually very cool to have a mother who appreciates and adores the same awesome music that I do. It could be worse, she could be a Perry Como fan or worse yet, Celine Dion. My mother rocks at every show and despite the fact that she continually harrasses me for tickets to everything, think Superbowl, she is welcome at every show we do. She is KGON.

I learned a lot of important things after two days camping at the Gorge last weekend for two Tom Petty/Joe Cocker shows.  I would like to share them with you now.

1. I like the sunshine.

2. I should always camp in the old fogey campground as I do not like the general shennanigans and tomfoolery campground after 11pm. At 11pm, I usually like to crawl into my quiet tent and enjoy some quiet time quietly. Not conducive AT ALL to the Gorge campground at any time of day or night.

3. Tom Petty is my favorite band or artist ever and every song he sings is a hit or will be a hit. I worship at the alter of Tom Petty.

4. Joe Cocker rocked it! And he had some bangin’ black chicks in hot purple dresses singing backup as only black chicks can. Joe Cocker rocks.

5. Driving to the Gorge is a haul. It’s like, a day and a half away from Portland. OK, so it’s more like 6 hours but still, it’s a hike. That being said, I should be a long haul trucker when I am done (fired) at KGON. I love to drive and I think I’m pretty good at it, tailgating and speeding aside.

6. Two days of camping is about all I’m good for.

7. People who steal deserve to be shot.

8. Your real true friends are the ones who offer you a pair of their clean underwear after all of your clean underwear has been stolen and you still have two more days of camping left. If you accept that underwear, you’re gross, but it’s the thought that counts.

9. I am definitely a front row kind of girl. If not front row, certainly the first 10 rows. I am in no way, shape or form a sit on the lawn kind of girl. Lawn seats are for hippies who want to smoke some reefer, lay back on their blanket and stare at the stars while they listen to the music. I want to be in the center to the music, thrashing and sweating front and center, not sharing the peace and love on the lawn. I want to be throwing the devil horns three feet from Tom Petty, not smiling at my neighbor while he shares his pot. I want Tom to see me three feet from him, singing along, every word to every song and I want him to think, “damn, that chick is hardcore” because I am hardcore. Lawn seats are definitely not for me. No sir.

10. It takes about five minutes for all hell to break loose at a show where 20,000 people are trying to get in. Once there is a back-up at the gate and people can’t get in and the show has started, be prepared for anarchy. Fences will be busted down, people will pass out, bodies will be laying everywhere and the crowd pushes and shouts and crowds their way through security. We must have waited an hour in line to get in Saturday night and once we made it through the gates, the poor ticket takers weren’t even scanning tickets anymore. They were just snatching them out of the hands of the angry mob, stuffing them into huge plastic garbage bags. I could have had a ticket from last year and they wouldn’t have noticed. It was quite a scene. Not a good one.

11. Most people who are going to be camping for two days and attending two shows will not be able to maintain. They will go all out the first night, balls to the wall, and then spend Saturday hungover and sunburned, hiding in their tents. They may try and rally mid-day, crawl out of their tent, try and throw back a beer and act tough. But rest assured, these people want NOTHING to do with the concert Saturday night and will be looking for any way out of having to go. If they do go, they will look for any excuse to crawl back to the campground unnoticed and sip sprite while huddled around the bag of Doritos.

12. The portable bathrooms at the Gorge are just fine. Very clean, tons of toilet paper and rarely a line. Inside the venue however, I almost peed my pants a hundred times trying to find a toilet close to the stage. Up in the food area at the very top, plenty of toilets. Down in front where the devil-horned hardcore are getting their party on, not so much.

And that concludes my list of things I learned at the Gorge this past weekend. Here are some pictures of Camp KGON and crew.